Monday, February 6, 2012

How do you move on....?

So I have a question for you all.  How do you move on...move on from where you go I go?  How do you move on when you still love that person?  How do you let go of promises that he would always be there and love you and some day put a ring on your finger?  How do you let go of all the hopes and plans you'd made with that person for years to come and walk away ok?  One day at a time.
I'm going to keep this short, but if you haven't guessed yet I'm in for a pretty big change over here in Korea.  When first preparing to move over to Korea I was as high as a bird.  I had this wonderful job, I was getting ready to be able to travel and see things like I'd always wanted and I had this wonderful guy that was moving across the world for me!  I still have a wonderful job and I'm still able to travel to awesome places but in a month the last thing will be changing.  At first it was one of the hardest decision I ever had to make, but even then I knew it had to be done.  I still love him and I know he still has strong feelings for me but we have realized that we both want different things and that he is in fact not ready to be in any form of relationship at all.  I have always, and still want, to be married some day and even though I didn't in my youth I now also want a child to go along with that.  Logan has realized that he does not want that. Now don't get me wrong,  I am NO WHERE close to wanting that now or any time soon really, just some day.  
What I'm scared most about all this is what a HUGE change it is going to be to get my head to wrap around it all.  He has been by my side for more than 2 years now in one form or the other, boyfriend or best friend.  He has become my person I tell everything to over here, the person I talk to every day, and my travel partner.  I'm scared of being away from my mom and my best friends after he leaves.  I'm afraid that I will be too scared to do the traveling that I want because I worry about traveling by myself.  I can't let my fears keep me from doing what I want though.  I have made friends over here and I have skype to talk to my mom every weekend or more if needed and I have the best friends back home that will email me or skype whenever also.  I have decided to stay over here for another year even just to try and prove to myself that I can do it alone.  Now that my parents have bought tickets to come visit next year too I have something huge to look forward to.  I'm going to try and make a trip around Korea by myself sometime to help get over my fear of traveling alone and sometime I will get my self to another country or 2 for a vacation. 
So even though I am scared and my heart is seriously hurting right now I'm trying to keep it together.  I know I will have hard days, probably even days or moments where I start crying again because I miss him, but it's what was right in the end.  The answer to my question, how do I move on, I'm going to start with one day at a time.  I don't know what else to do and right now that's all I can do.  I will tell you though I miss terribly the days of when I could curl up in  my moms lap while she played with my hair and told me it will all be alright then gave me a kiss it was all better.  This growing up thing sucks big time at times and is more painful at times than they tell you.

One day at a time,
S

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